Any parent can tell you that given the choice we'd gladly take the pain & suffering away from our children for any ailment even if its just a simple scratch. Seeing their little faces cringe in pain, tears flowing and they keep calling for mom or dad will easily cripple any parent so to me its far worse then anything this syndrome can throw at me by far. With children ranging in ages 22 months to 21 years old, I have reservations about even discussing my issues with the oldest children because they are trying so hard to focus on their future, they shouldnt be burdened with my stressful situation which will only cause them to lose focus. I refuse to do that too them. Obviously the younger children wont understand this at all, my son who is 7 only sees his dad in pain which I try to hide but he can see my limping sometimes or slow to get up, hes not stupid. I am of course the one who always prepares for the worst and I have made sure that his therapist is aware of my medical situation in case it becomes a matter of crisis therapy. I'd hate to even consider the possibility but given my extensive list of potential body crash points, I do have a higher fatality rate then the average Dysautonomia patient would.
The baby would have such extreme confusion. Its bad enough that we live in split homes as it is due to my wifes text announcement that the marriage was over, so to further the levels of confusion for this child would be if I suddenly didnt exist in her life. Shes much more attached to her mom which most younger kids are but her and I share an amazing bond that is filled with some of the most amazing moments that I couldnt even imagine my life without those special times to cherish. She follows me everywhere, tells me too shoosh if I am being too loud, uses her little toddler vocabulary etc... Painful to imagine this child growing up without me after I have been so much of her life so far.
My oldest biological daughter, well shes a difficult one. Her grandmother blocked me from her life early on, wanted me to sign away custody which I refused. The mother had not told me she was pregnant & I had to find out about it two months after I had moved away to Florida. Took me forever to find someone that had her phone number, I didnt even know her last name, I basically used a form of Ebonics when pronouncing it. As I said the grandmother kept stonewalling me insisting her attorney would send me the papers and I kept refusing insisting on paternity test and then doing what needed to be done. Where we went off track I wont put on this blog just in case my daughter actually is aware I even have this blog. She still doesnt know the truth of what actually happened and why she didnt have a dad. She was told that I left her which was a complete lie.
What the grandmother & the mother didnt know was I had a severe alcohol problem and by pure coincedence, their refusal to cooperate with me for paternity test was probably better in the long run for my daughter then seeing her dad drunk. Although I'd have to wonder if I might have stopped knowing I had that kind of responsibility now. Nevertheless, I had given the grandmother my home number, work number, mailing address and even the mailing address at work so they had every concievable way to contact me. As it stood the information I shared with grandmother with the exception of the home number I could be contacted right up until the year 2000. So that gave them 8 years and even after that, the new owners knew me and could easily track me down until this day so there was no excuse why I wasnt contacted by the mother to straighten things out. Well no normal excuse, only her, her mom and I knew why I wasnt contacted.
I had lost the number to contact the grandmother and mother as well as the individual I had contacted to get it. Sadly it was my room mates phone as well and he moved back to NY before I could obtain the phone records with that call I had made. Again, I was without the contact information and oddly enough, the correct spelling of their last name. Calling information with countless possibilities was pointless, it was fail after fail. I never gave up though. Each time I went to NJ, I ended up at the local library to view birth notices of all the local newspapers in that region of NJ to see if I had a hit on at least an approximate time and the mothers name. The grandmother refused to tell me the sex of the baby when I asked but did say it was a beautiful 3 month old which gave me a timeline to work with for the birth. I was unsuccessful in my searches for the birth notice, years of attempts, no hits.
In 1997, I beat alcohol and I also had met my wife, well now soon to be exwife. I had told her about the possibility of the mystery child and she was ok with it saying we'd deal with it when it happen to be an issue. Well for me it was a never ending issue from 1992 until current. I was still searching and in 1998, I began to subscribe to the internet. However, without the last name, again I was up against the wall for finding the any leads. I would later find out that as I searched endlessly in NJ, they had moved to SC so I was even further off my extremely cold trail.
When 2007 came around and I watched my grandmother dying, I was more upset with the fact that I had promised her that I would get to the bottom of that situation with the child. She was the first to hear about it when my daughters grandmother called her threatening prenatal care money, something even my daughters mother was unaware of. So the guilt of never concluding my involvement concerning this child was now overwhelming and as we buried my grandmother I vowed to step up the search until I concluded it no matter the outcome.
In 2008, with the help of some friends, that persistance came through and I contacted a now 15 year old girl on Myspace asking her three very unusual questions that would prove if her mom was indeed the mom I had been looking for. Sure enough, within two minutes, I was talking to my daughter. It was bittersweet, she had been filled with so much hatred, the lies that were told and what made it worse was the fact that even though I could prove my side of it, I knew I would only damage her further forcing her to trust no one if she found out her mom and grandmother had lied to her all that time. Of course the resistance her mother gave in the beginning was epic, she knew I was the one link to her past that could now shed light on a fabricated tangle of lies this poor kid had heard about her dad. It took her mom a good month or so before she realized that our daughter wanted a father in her life no matter what had happened. When I kept pushing the paternity issue, it was met with extreme prejudice by the mother, her argument, I wont subject my daughter to that kind of pain. Its a test swab in the mouth, no sedation, but I knew what she meant even though she tried so hard to deny it. Given the time line, she had to really think about it and she realized how wrong she had been and then she heard about the conversation I had with her mom back in 92, she of course heard a different version which didnt surprise me. What gave me validation was a very confusing statement that stuck with the mother for years until we talked, her mom stated that I refused to do a paternity test and I also refused to sign away custody. She said any other guy in the world given a chance to escape without liability would have jumped at that, it didnt make sense to her yet she never tried to call me. So instead, she makes our daughter suffer without a dad. I decided that I needed to be beyond friendly with her, I needed her to confirm our past in emails and texts so that I had a printed record of it as my absolute proof. It was flawless, she confirmed every detail, never once tried to deny it, and was actually proud of herself to some degree once she opened up about it. She now trusted me more so then her husband of 8 or so years, hows that for a twist of fate? Comically enough, she thought I was there to trash her to our daughter and steal her away but instead I kept telling our daughter how important it was to listen to her mom. When the mother began to first talk to me she had said something to me that I had only directed to my daughter and she said it verbatim so I paused and then said to her, "you using spyware?" She had to admit she had it, she obviously knew that her explanation of why she said what she said wasnt flying and I must have known so she did admit it. The ironic part, when you do something like that, be prepared when that viper bites back. She found out things about her husband that not only caused her to insist on divorce immediately but she also intended on moving back with her mom which meant I would lose contact with my daughter. I had already decided to send my daughter money directly to her account because her mom slapped my hand away in 92, so this new talk of divorce from her husband she advises me she'd have to take me to court for child support. I of course told her to pound salt, it wasnt going to her household, it was my daughters money only. She still wanted to play hardball & I of course advised her to explain to our daughter why her money stopped going into her account and into my attorneys escrow account set for a trust fund that matured when she was 18. Knowing my daughter was a spitfire and would go nuts on her mom for taking away money she used to go shopping, I pretty much held the cards for a bit. I needed to assure a better anchor however and as I made her mom fall back in love with me which took all of about 30 minutes from when we first started talking, I got her to a point one evening that she pretty much attacked the soon to be served husband in an intimate exchange. This ended in a pregnancy which as I figured would keep her in the relationship with her husband regardless of how she felt about him. Hard to believe that she was as easy to read 16 years later. I was stunned, probably because I was the first to know about the pregnancy. LOL enemy to friend, go figure. I warned her that because I had visited that there would be question as to whos child it was and she became irrate over that comment, suggesting that she lived the life of a perfect christian woman, who went to church all the time, volunteered endlessly etc... Well for the record, she was a perfect christian woman when we met too, didnt stop her that time either. Well as if it was from my mouth to Gods ears, who do you think questioned it? LOL, our daughter. I almost fell off my chair. Thats what she thought of her mom, so gotta love karma.
My relationship with my daughter has always been driven by money. When she needs it, I hear from her. We used to talk all the time about all kinds of silly stuff but as soon as the money hit the bank, out the window with manners and her obligation to keep in touch. I know its teens in general and with the way shes been brought up, I could not even expect a thank you. Its like shes been brought up by cave people, sad really, but thats what happens when you arent brought up Italian I guess, lol.
I had lost my job in Oct 2010 and told her that I had to stop sending money until I was working again. Her mother of course wondering why my parents didnt step in. LOL funny, they drove 750 miles to meet their granddaughter only to be blown off in person, never receive even a Christmas card so I'd pretty much say not to hold her breath waiting for them to send money. If I could have reached through the phone to give the mother a few vicious slaps for being that stupid I certainly would have, it amazes me that shes that dense.
So my already limited contact with my daughter became even less and every comment I made on FB she would make a point of ridiculing me in some way, or being condecending to impress her friends that she tells her dad off when she wants. The exact same content in a phone conversation she'd be giggling away and adding sarcasm too it so I allowed her the 15 minutes of fame to be impressive amoungst her friends but I also stopped commenting altogether so what did she gain?
I had received a phone call from her earlier this year which was odd. She had gotten a new number and she was EXTREMELY chatty with me. It was like when we first met via phone, endless conversation, joking, fun, future, etc... I was still cautious though, it was out of the ordinary for her so I waited and nearing the end of the conversation the angle came. Asking about my job situation and about when I might be going back to work, never asking for money but shes slick, she waited a few sentences and advised me how expensive her cosmetology school supplies were going to be and how she'd have to work more because "mom" didnt have the extra money. I had an argument with her in mid 2010 that I accused her of only contacting me when she needed money so instead of learning from that, she decides that if she hides it in an hour or so of dialog, maybe I'd be dumb and naive like her mom and not notice her angle. She forgot that she got her inteligence in working the streets so to speak from my bloodline. You take street smart and book smart and drop them off at the worst part of town with nothing but a twenty dollar bill in their pocket and tell them you'll meet them five miles away, they are taking book smart out in a body bag & street smart you have to go in and find because they have started a new business which is making a profit already. Not hard to figure out really if you met her mom and I at the same time.
So after I got off the phone I put together a letter for her graduation which was along the same lines. All the chunky discussion up front, some mild drama in the middle and then the finale at the end. I advised her that as per her mother and I, once she graduated high school, I would no longer be sending her money. This was a test. I already knew she was destined to fail, she had her mothers famous silent treatment genes and I had to see if she learned anything at all over the past three years. That was June 1st, 2011, never heard from her again. No return texts which she commented to another friend she never misses any texts, triple checks her phone to make sure. I have documented proof I sent them along with proof she received via my carrier so it clearly shows I was just a dollar amount to her. Her trip to visit 4 hours away from my house, she never told me the dates, instead a wall post to everyone she was leaving in the morning to Disney. I had no prior notice of the week and it was one of those weeks that I had three lawyer appts, one was mediation, 4 doctor appts. She also knew that because of my divorce I needed extra notice for traveling with her brother and sister out of county from ex's attorney which with limited notice that was impossible and it eliminated 4 of the possible days I could have tried to race up there myself because I had the kids those days. Besides it being an 8 hour round trip just to meet for dinner, she doesnt think of the investment of time there either. Instead, she returns home and unfriends me on FB, LOL. Nice, very mature. I am sure shes told everyone that will listen what a terrible father I am that I didnt even try to get ahold of her and she even went to FL and I didnt even try to see her. I give her credit for the attempt but its a show and tell for idiots, morons and her moms side of the family. Any normal thinking person in the world would ask her a few questions, then might even ask me for the truth and see where this went sour. I tried so many times with her, its time for her to grow up and try with me for a change. In the end, shes a child that never really had a dad and I am a dad that tried so hard to bring her into my life after she was shafted by her own family and taken from me but at the end of the day, I have four other kids that appreciate me so reality is come aboard or continue to swim the sluggish waters of drama with her mom. Its not that hard to figure out.
It may sound like I am bitter. Not at all with my daughter, shes a product of her enviornment. Being raised by manner less people you cant expect her to be alot different. I wasnt hurt by her not acknowledging me for fathers day, I was more amused that she recognized Ryan Dunn & passed on condolences. It truly shows me where her priorities are, and as sad as this is to say, god forbid a fire broke out in her house, she'd grab her bearded dragon and run out the door rather than grab one of her sisters, not because shes entirely self centered but because she'd assume that her mom and step dad had the kids and no one would grab the dragon. Not ever considering that perhaps her mom might be overwhelmed and need help or perhaps in trouble. Its the generation as well but amplified by the way they are raised. There are glimmers of hope in her futuristic endeavors such as work and extended schooling so perhaps she'll be able to overcome it all. I can only pray.
Lastly, as if this post needs to be any longer, my other two girls. The 18 year old is trying to find her place in life and after making a poor choice, shes bounced back to right the wrong and I am damn proud of her. I chose not to inform her at all of my situation because I need her to truly focus and not lose sight of the goal. She was terribly upset the last time I was hospitalized and had her mother known she'd react the way she did, she never would have told her. The girls arent my blood but you'd swear they were by the way we get along. I love them both as if they were. I promised to always be there for them and offer advise as I have over the years so when I found out that I might have promised something that I can't deliver, it truly bothered me. I am not as worried as the oldest, 21 yr old as I am for the other. They have both been let down by their real father and I have stepped in to fill his shoes on more than one occasion. They never have to feel that they can't come to me about their problems no matter the topic, I am always there. I do have guilt about not telling the oldest, it seems as though she should know about it but with her being a newly wed and staring her life 3000 miles away, I didnt want her to become overwhelmed with the thought she wasnt here for me.
In closing I am really no further along in my decision to discuss this with any of my children. I just feel I must always protect them from things and even when things pertain to me directly, I still think I take the cautious road. I think as more becomes diagnosed and I have a better handle on it medically, then I might share it with one of them. Thanks for reading
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