Most people deal with emotional issues in their own way, whether its right or wrong, we all have our own set boundaries of dealing with issues of: anger, depression, fear, pain, loss, happiness etc... If it works for you, great then I say go with it. I can say that all my life I have had such unusual reactions to situations that in some cases had me talking to myself later wondering if I had lost my marbles. My severe outbursts of rage over something small and otherwise considered to be nothing big, yet you would swear I had lost something so valuable that my actions of rage could be justified but later you learn that someone had moved my pen to a different location. What makes this sometimes funny to me is the fact I am not exaggarating the simplistic catalyst in my anger outburst, the oddity is the fact that you could run over something of extreme value of mine in the same day after seeing that explosion and figure you should prepare to leave the country but when I am told of the situation, I am as calm as can be. Thats the missing link to this puzzle, the control mechanism that allows me to be calm for one situation and not the other.
I was a happy child, very passive and for the most part the ultimate mediator. I could calm a situation between two or more people so they could focus on the important things at hand. I dont recall any serious anger issues as a small child, or issues of rage over simplistic situations I pretty much followed the rules and tried to make sure I made everyone happy. I had one thing that I recall I was famous for when I didnt get my way, and now seeing my son do the identical thing without any knowledge of my childhood makes me laugh internally but also expresses some concern that hes way too much like me, will he also inheirit the health issues as well? I pray daily he does not, hes too precious in my life to even consider the possibility something could be wrong with any of my kids. Moving on......
As I was saying, my infamous attempts to level the playing field with my adult family members to get my own way consisted of bringing suffering to myself. Taking a prized childhood possession to them for surrender if I didnt get my demands met. My mom and my grandparents I truly believe formulated the "no negotitation with terrorists" format this country has as a result of dealing with me as a child. They never gave in to me and would take my items that I declared meant nothing to me anymore without that trip to Dairy Queen or the ability to ride my bike in the rain, and they would hold their ground. Every kid uses some form of leverage, mine was always a disadvantage knowing that I really didnt want to lose the item but knowing that meant so much to me how could they not say yes to my demands? Took me a good three years to grasp the concept that I wasnt winning with them. Slow learner or defiant, strong willed, determined little boy who just wouldnt take no for an answer? I'll allow you to draw your own conclusion.
I bring this up only to point out the disconnect of the mental status of Dysautonomia. It never occured to me back then because of my age, that I had so many mental disconnects from things that meant alot to me. I could walk away from sentimental items of choice but others I couldnt live without. If I had three best friends and they all broke their left legs identically, each one would get a totally different response from me whether it be concern, humor, ridicule etc... All were considered best friends but my mind would trigger different impulses for each. It seems pretty normal, alot of people do the same thing. Well heres where it gets a bit deeper, the reason I believe that to this day I still have tremendous sadness towards the loss of my first girlfriend that died in 1978. That was what, 33 years ago, but I can sometimes relive it all over. PTSD (Post Trumatic Stress Disorder) hardly, it doesnt interfere with my ability to function, doesnt hinder my everyday activities. I can carry on without falling into a depressive state, all that happens is a total recall. Whats unique about her and a select few others in my life, is I hadnt presented the "end of life" scenario. Let me try to explain this one. As a small child, not ever having lost a family member, friend, or someone close to me until I was 11, for whatever reason, I would have functional day dreams of losing a particular person from my life to the point it would bring me to tears and after that would happen, I would have this extreme sense of relief. Now I know, or I am pretty sure that prior to 11 my scenarios were that of my closest friend moving away forever, never to be seen again. I did this with everyone I was close too, it was so odd.
Along comes Katie in 1975, she consumes my life. My ultimate best friend and by description first official girl friend. She was everything to me, as was I to her. If we werent together, we were on the phone for hours. I had never run my farewell scenario with her at any time, for whatever reason, I just never did. It was the one thing that allowed me the ability to disconnect emotion from anyone I chose at any time. The oddest thing I had ever encountered. Well, her passing in 1978 came as a complete shock to me, I was totally devastated and crushed. I cried for days, unable to accept the fact that she was truly dead. I just expected to see her the next time I went to the house. Even seeing the white coffin in the funeral home, following it to the gravesite just didnt seem real to me. Took me several months to realize she was truly gone, 33 years later it still hurts.
I came across some of what I was looking for in regards to the mental oddities regarding the emotional detachment I had with others. Its a common trait, Norepinephine issues most likely to blame in most case studies. Dysautonomia patients have a severe intimacy disconnect along with other facets of emotional and supportive disconnects that follow suit. My early childhood detachment preparation has some merit due to circumstance within the household but after coming across two other ANS sufferers in a medical chat room, I had time to fully grasp the fact that this was just an early manifest of what was to come. Its scary to meet people that suffer the same way and have the same oddities that now become more of just a normal trait of the syndrome.
I have held a childhood memory of guilt to this day that still haunts me. When I tell people I get mixed reviews anything from: boys will be boys, to you should have told your parents. Whatever the proper way to have handled it was, its long passed, the memory of what I did plays like it was yesterday yet I am pretty sure I was 8 years old when it happened. While vacationing in Canada with my older brother and father, I had taken a vast interest in large frogs and dragon flies. Each day I grabbed as many frogs as I could and played with them, one in particular was absolutely huge with distinguishing marks on his back that made him easy to find daily. I would find dragon flies to bring to my frog friends. The entire week was devoted to keeping them happy, fed, clean and safe. I was the perfect friend to them.
Our week ended and I realized that I wouldnt see them anymore but I was determined to take the largest one with me, and I grabbed him to bring him with us back home to the US. My father told me that he couldnt come along and I begged and pleaded with him with no success. The owner of the lodge finally explained to me that a Canadian frog couldnt live in US, he would die because he didnt have Canadian air. I didnt understand death, lost some goldfish and two annoying birds but I did understand air, he made sense. So I walked the huge frog down another path towards the water edge, placed him on the concrete slab next to me and said my goodbyes. I was very sad, I didnt want to say goodbye but knew I couldnt take him home either. I told him to go, he just sat there. I tried to push him towards the water, he refused to move. It was as if he didnt want to leave me either. I knealt down, reasoned with him as any 8 year old would do and again suggested he go because I needed to leave. Still, he would not budge. For reasons unknown to me, something I have never been able to figure out yet as I said, I have lived with the guilt of my actions of this day since, I picked up the largest rock I could lift and I dropped it on my frog friend, crushing him. I can remember the feeling of extreme remorse as I realized what I had just done, it was that very second that my father called from the hill top and said we were leaving. I pushed the rock off my frog friends mutilated body, grabbed his leg and threw him as far as I could into the water, I then pushed the rock into the water as well. I came up the hill and was confronted by my father who asked me several questions that I am pretty sure he had witnessed what I had done but I swore I had let the frog go. It was a long 10 hour trip home, spent the time that I was awake thinking about that frog. That event cost me numerous Hail Marys and Our Fathers at confession but that didnt erase the guilt. Its a haunting reminder to me throughout my life.
I think what makes it even more odd to me is that I have more remorse for that frog then I do for the loss of certain people in my life. Its odd how I always thought I was wired wrong but come to find out alot lies in the depletion of certain brain chemical. I hope to have a handle on it someday, I'd like to have equal emotional memories of my lost paternal grandparents. I idolized both of them yet I accept the loss of my grandfather without the loss of another tear knowing he died a good 20 years too young, but cant grasp the loss of my grandmother who died a year shy of 90 from a stroke.
In closing its relevant to say that given the broad spectrum of the syndrome, nothing can be taken for granted anymore. Things that were bottled up for years out of fear that you werent "quite right" can now be discussed openly in medical chat rooms because others share the same situations. When its too unbelievable to absorb in your own mind chances are theres a medical reason behind it. I am now a believer on that one! Not sure what the answer is to correct it, I have some serious medication alterations coming up I am sure as they pinpoint the exact cause and effect of all the body functions combined. Nevertheless, feels good to be normal again and moving on to better educate not only myself but others I come in contact with. I'd like to blog more often but sitting long periods of time causes so much excessive pain in my lower legs/feet that it makes it hard to concentrate on the topic, I constantly have to go back and reread the previous paragraph. For those people suffering Fibromyalgia, you can appreciate what I am talking about. Feels like your toes and between your toes are going to burst. VERY unconfortable! Thanks for reading
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